I Love Maria
‘The most transhumanist film I’ve ever seen.’ – L
If you’re a gang leader wanting to take over the city, what do you do?
- Build a moderately sized war robot – let’s see the cops fight that off!
- Build a humanoid robot – more subtle, also you can impress your girlfriend by creating it in her image
- Build a really fucking big robot, like big enough to squash people
- All of the above; also, turn yourself into a cyborg – the human body is fragile
The cops are incapable, so it’s up to a group of misfits to become heroes and save the day.
I’m struggling to think how I can describe this movie without going into overwhelming detail. So instead, I’m just going to put this trailer here.
The main thing I learnt during this film was that L and H are such HUGE GEEKS. I mean I knew this already, but WOW how much time can you spend discussing colour timing? In turns out that when you’re not especially engaged in a film, you can discuss colour timing a lot.
The main thing I learnt from this film is that the way to a woman’s heart (read, her pants) is to compliment her five weaknesses: her eyes, her hair, her mouth, her skin and her scent. ‘At least it’s not negging?’ we decided.
So, this movie is basically Batman if instead of becoming a caped crusader, Bruce Wayne became a bounty-hunter who modelled himself off James Bond (the movie has an in-universe equivalent).
Ok, actually, I’m doing Bruce Wayne a disservice – Bruce is motivated by a sense of injustice. Mandrill is all about the revenge. Which means that when he has the opportunity to kill the man who murdered his parents, he takes it. Even if it means breaking the heart of the woman he’s just fallen for.
I actually quite liked the love-interest-come-villain in this movie. Mandrill has been trying to seduce her (so he can get to her father, the parent-killer), but she’s not buying it. At least, not until he wins her over with SILLY DANCING. I think he’s meant to be harking back to a scene in the James-Bond-equivalent movies, which they are both giant geeks for.
After dancing, they gallavant about the city, laughing, and stealing alcohol even though she’s a casino-heiress who really ought to just pay for it, and finally making out. Then they go back to her room and have sex.
OH! I forgot that the previous night he killed/incapacitated a bunch of security guys so he could sneak into her room. I’m not sure why he was sneaking into her room, but he discovered that she had his mother’s locket, so he stood in the corner of her room and had a little cry, and then presumably left.
So, the day after they have sex, he kills her father in front of her. BANG! How rude. He feels really bad, because that’s the moment he decides he’s in love with her. But it’s too late; she puts on a slinky black dress and becomes evil.
- sleeps with his uncle
- manipulates him into killing said uncle
- SHOOTS MANDRILL DEAD instead of letting herself be properly overcome by romantic feelings
- collects the bounty on his head and drives off into the sunset.
It probably says something about unsympathetic a protagonist Mandrill was, that we found this a satisfying ending. And then they spoiled it. Because instead of our heroine checking he was properly dead and putting him in the body bag herself, she let her lackey do it. So of course, when the bounty collector checks the bag (after she’s left), it turns out it’s the lackey in there, and not Mandrill at all. COP OUT.
I guess we were meant to want Mandrill survive. But he was an awful person, and so we didn’t.