‘Who the hell finds robots?’

The premise of Battle of the Damned is that there has been a zombie virus outbreak in what is supposedly a city somewhere in South-East Asia. Dolph Lundgren has been sent in by a mysterious businessman, to track down said businessman’s daughter and bring her out.

Dolph Lundgren’s character is named Major Max Gatling (of course). I am now thinking of changing my name to Cara Gatling.So, Gatling heads into the city with his team, only to have the others killed off before he can even find Businessman’s Daughter. One of them gets infected with zombieism – he gets away before Gatling can kill him, but will turn up later in a wasted attempt at evoking our sympathies.

It’s worth noting that the zombies aren’t actually undead, just bloodthirsty, and all bet-up and zombie-looking for no clear reason. They are killed as easily as any other human being. This isn’t explained straight away, and it makes the initial action scenes rather underwhelming.

… what am I saying? It’s not as if the action scenes would have been any good otherwise. The film is shot so incompetently that they never had a chance.

So: in a convenient turn of events, the businessman’s daughter has survived. Gatling picks her up on his big motorcycle when she’s escaping from the zombies at a corner store. Turns out Daughter is one of six survivers.

But OH NO Gatling only has orders to bring Daughter back, not any of the others. Daughter is PREGNANT and refuses to leave with Gatling, because the baby’s father is one of the other survivors.

The other survivors handcuff Gatling to a pole so the zombies can eat him. Luckily he survives long enough for Baby Daddy to find out he is going to be a baby daddy, at which point he goes to rescue Gatling. That is his immediate reaction to finding out Daughter is pregnant: oh shit I better go free the guy who can get you out the city! Let’s not talk to each other about this at all.

Baby Daddy frees Gatling, and this is where the robots show up.

The robots improve this movie like 50%, but mostly because it means you get lines like ‘Who the hell finds robots?’ and ‘I’m thinking about hugging you right now.’ ‘Not in front of the robot.’

These are Japanese medical robots, but for some reason they are very good at killing things. They are killing all the zombies, because their body temperatures are too low for them to be normal humans. Which … what the hell, you are MEDICAL ROBOTS, would you kill people with hypothermia too?

Anyway, now that he has some robots, Gatling decides he can get everyone out the city after all. Which is just as well because the city is about to be FIRE-BOMBED. Also, Daughter’s father is the guy who created the zombie virus. He wants to cover up the evidence!

The robots are awesome but they run out of ammo, so Gatling has to weld new guns on. Daughter chats to him about her fears about becoming a mother. Once the robots are re-gunned, they start their mission out the city.

There are lots of explosions from the fire-bombing and EVERYONE DIES except Gatling, Daughter and Baby Daddy. (Okay, they die from zombies, not the fire-bombing, but.)

They stand on a roof-top and feel relieved. BUT WAIT why is Gatling still holding an axe? (A very small axe.) Turns out Gatling’s other mission is to kill Baby Daddy. Baby Daddy is ‘the whistle-blower’ and Daughter’s dad wants him dead. Which, okay, so why are you bothering to go for a cover-up if the cover’s already blown? Who knows!

Anyway, Gatling doesn’t kill him, because Gatling’s had an emotional arc or something. The end.

Prior to watching this movie, L had wondered how his video store made any money when they sold off their recent release blu-rays (like Battle of the Damned) so cheaply. Turns out, they just wanted this shit out their video store.

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